I’ve been quiet for months now. Some of you have been asking where I’ve been; where I am. Well, I’m back now.
I haven’t written since my mom died in June of this year. I didn’t want to; didn’t know where to begin; just simply couldn’t. Yep, 2025 has definitely been a kicker for me. It took me down; took me out, and showed me within the depths of my soul what really does matter in this life of mine.
This year really showed me what it means to live in the “and” of life. I understand now, more than ever. This was a very hard, very sad year, AND, it also held many joyous, heartful experiences I will carry forward. Days with my Grandbabe, just the two of us; having Paul still on this side, breathing free and easy; sharing our cabin with two of my dearest friends, scattering a young boy’s ashes on our property there; sharing my mom’s vigil and after-death care experiences with my brother and kids; many days on the Sunshine Coast; being witness to the ongoing growth and success of my kids; removing clutter and chaos in my life, in my head; and rediscovering the creative maker in me.
Yes, my mom died. It was a welcome and beautiful end to years of her emotional suffering with dementia, AND I am deeply grieving her death and all that it represents for me; AND each day I become more grateful for all she gave, all she represented, and the mom she was.
I’ve experienced the true depths of Caregiver Burnout, and am learning that Caregiver Recovery takes time. I am learning to be more patient.
I did less, disconnected; no longer having energy for people, for doing, for serving. I felt extremely alone, AND it felt so good spending this time with just me.
“I ain’t lonely, but I spent a lot of time alone”
“More than I’d like to, but I’m okay with stayin’ home”
I stopped reaching out to others, yet thankfully, some continued to reach out to me. I was sad about those who didn’t or couldn’t, AND I am also appreciative of those who did, and continue to do so. Not fixing, not “shoulding”, just showing up, whether I thought I needed it or not. They continue to just show up, no questions, no expectations - just there for me. These are the ones I will carry into 2026 and beyond. They are more than enough. I am blessed.
“I breathe in, I breathe out. Got friends to call who let me talk about
what ain’t workin’, what’s still hurtin’, all the things I feel like cussin’ out.”
I’ve felt frustrated, angry, resentful, and sad about Paul’s transplant recovery journey. Year 2 was harder than Year 1 - maybe for both of us; AND still, there are no words to truly express the gratitude for this miracle blessing, including the unexpected, unwanted realities that come with it. We are so deeply blessed.
I purposefully stepped away from a thriving business and business partnership that no longer fulfilled our hearts. AND, although it was a choice I gladly made, I still felt some grief and a sense of loss without all the “doing” of running a business; no longer sure of who I was. AND, I am so fortunate and happy to have done this with my dear friend, Jo-Anne; AND I am extremely grateful that once again, we can just be friends.
“My how the last months have changed, I’m smilin’ more despite the pain”
I was rushing and forcing life changes that weren’t yet meant to happen - like moving to the Coast; something my heart and soul feels it needs; AND I have been reminded that it’s God’s grace and God’s time that leads the way, not mine.
“I hate waitin, ain’t no patience in these hands”
“I think I’m stronger than I was, I let God do what he does”
In 2025 I lost myself in a compounded unconsolable grief, anxiety, fear, anger and resentment; AND, I also appreciate this has been necessary for me. I am grateful.
“Now and then I let go, I ride the waves I can’t control”
I am both weak and strong; both sad and happy; filled with self-doubt and also confident. All my feelings and emotions run deep; my love and therefore, my grief too. Some would suggest I let these feelings run too deep, yet it’s the only way I’ve ever known how to be; AND I’m learning to be better with all of it.
I am now at a place where I can truly give myself grace, as I am being reminded of who I was, who I’ve been, AND I’m ready to discover who I really am today; in this season of my life. The newly crowned family matriarch, a mother, grandmother, wife, sister, friend. A writer, a creative maker, and who knows what else is in front of me.
I still have work to do, but I think I’ll like who I am becoming and re-becoming; maybe you will too.
I’m learnin’ how to build a better boat.
“If it’s workin’, I don’t know, when I get done the thing may not float
but I’m learnin’ how to build a better boat.”
So happy to find you here, Karen! You may see me swimming alongside your boat - I just know it’s going to float! Onward my friend, with so much love.